My Façade. My Reflection.

a Long, long... bolong

2010-01-18T13:53:00.000-08:00

I was once told by a certain someone that

"If you think you like the girl and the girl likes you, then go for it"
(the best thing to happen?)

"If you think you like the girl and the girl doesn't like you, still go for it!"
(better fail than never huh?)

"If you think that you don't like the girl but the girl likes you, well flip a coin, head means yes, and tail means yes"
(whatever goes i guess?)

"If you think that you don't like the girl and the girl doesn't like you either! then don't go"

moral of the story, resolve your heart before going for it.

Here I go again

2010-01-14T07:35:00.000-08:00

Now, I recalled an interesting bit of "wisdom" that a taxi driver once told me...

" Don't think that it's hard, it depends on your heart =)"

what do you think?

From to 2009 to 2010

2010-01-10T01:51:00.000-08:00

I realized i haven't update this blog for a long time, but i didn't want to kill it. Anyhow, keeping things short let's see what resolution should I make for this year.
1. less junk food?
2. update the blog once a week
3. insert more food for thought
4. graduate by this year!
okay i think four is enough

anyway, today's food for thought is ... ... ...
alright, let's look at chinese family's tendency to "compare" A person to B person, and let out comments that say "hey u know that A's son/daughter is so smart? A's son has so and so and bla and bla". And mind this, apparently this only applies to from the higher authority figure to the lower. like from Mom/Dad to their children. Odd as it is, why cant we(the children) do it the other way round? like, "hey u know, A's dad/mom is so and so and bla and bla, B's parents are so x x x" but apparently we didn't do that, instead we say "oh i envy you so much T.T, switch parents please"

What do you think?

Nick Wij. I. Stress

2009-03-03T03:56:00.001-08:00

Now note the title of this post. Yes, it's a ripped off a movie's title. No, i don't care of it as it is, as it clearly states the state of my mental state. I -> Stress

Now repeat after me, "I stress" yes yes, good work once more. Now now, no "!xo" infront of the word "I", yes yes. good job. I stress.

Now, being a psychology student, I have studied a number of cases of Stress disorder in my Abnormal Psychology class I suppose it's time to finally apply this knowledge into the current setting.

I shall not delve deep into the symptoms specific as recorded in DSM IV TR(or V in the near future), We shall simplify it using PPP model (Predisposing, Precipitating and Perpetual)
Let's start with it then
Predisposing Factor: Pre-existing Vulnerability. So this basically means that I have a vulnerability in certain areas/traits that will most likely causes me to be exposed to stress more than other people.... In this case? It's simply... Procrastination. Simple responses such as : "I am lazy", "I don't care"... -.-

Precipitating Factor: The recent triggering event. Now of this, it's a long story but this is one thing I could say. The triggering event build overtime. Just like how you collect water from a dripping well drop by drop, when the jar is filled and it overflows, BOOOOOM! This triggers my stress, in my case... the barring list -.-

Perpetual Factor: Perpetual literally means Eternal, Neverending, so what this means to a person having a stress is that there's something that is prolonging the stress, or prevent the person from solving the root of the problem leading to stress. Now i have not been able to identify this, however I know that I am currently under tremendous stress... I need to have a breather really bad.

Okay. Stop. Forget about stress. Refocus. Back to assignment.
Analysis discontinued.

Still alive, but barely breathing

2009-02-12T13:45:00.000-08:00

The semester is picking its pace up... We're in the 6th week now and next week is the midterm. Things are piling up!! uik >< while more and more interesting new titles are coming out, animes, games and movies alike. Now I wish that we have 48 hours a day.

Anyhow, today's topic is the upcoming valentine.
Now as a little background. Valentine's day in a layman's term is practically a "romantic day" where one expresses his/her love... in this modern society, it occurs that men uses this day as an opportunity more than women. But nevermind with that, now what i want to point is that what's the difference between valentine's day and any other day to express your love/feelings?
A point to ponder. It's 6am now and im sleepy. I'll ponder about it while im sleeping. You ponder in whatever fashion u want, ok?

New sem, new lecturers, same old students

2009-01-16T06:56:00.000-08:00

Semester has just started and I can finally settle down with the schedule. Though it's abit packed however, it is still managable hopefully. With things dying down pretty much soon, I decided to now bring this blog back up and this time, I suppose i can try diary style.

Anyhow, that's all for now. Will update more soon.

First Blood!

2008-08-09T20:06:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am unable to hold off my excitement waiting for the download to finish... so what is this all about? Well, recently the long awaited beta account i've applied for over a year ago finally have been validated. Yeah, i am all hyped up on this upcoming game from mythic studio. anyhow >.<

without further ado~
WAR HERE I COME!! < after 28 hours of 9560MB download>

Good bye dream diary. R+I+P.

2008-07-07T06:31:00.000-07:00

Yes, I decided to stop recording my dream/nightmares at the back of my all in one organizer. It appears that i am unable to find anything useful out of my dreams or nightmare. Infact, i haven't remember any dreams when i woke up since June. Well anyway, off with the dreams from now on.

A change of pace and settings would be good to keep life interesting.

A notion of happiness? or Sadness?

2008-06-18T10:28:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I don't understand it when some people sacrifices so much for the sake of other person(s) happiness.
I don't understand. I never did.

Why sacrifices so much of others' sake?
I never knew.
I never found the reason.
I never try to look for it.
I never bother to search for the reason.

In the end, i concluded for myself that to be sad and happy is just one thin line away from each other. It goes with the saying that one man's happiness is another man's sadness.An individual itself can't run from such a thing. As happy as you are there'll be a small part of you that is sad. As sad as you are there'll also be a small part of you that is happy.
I don't know.
I don't understand.
I want to know. I am scared to know.
I want to know what i am for.
My purposes. My roles. My strenghts. My weaknesses. My choices.
I'm scared, scared of what future has for me. I question myself... Will I be able to change it?

What is my control orientation? Internal? External? I don't know. I switched between one another at the flick of my fingers that I don't know which of which i am at already.

I recall trying to recall my past memories. I recall being able to recall even way beyond 3 years old. But now, i can barely recall anything in my first 7 years. I felt my memories being eaten away by my dreams. Are they real? Are they just in my mind? I don't know. I don't understand.
The mask.
The perfect facade.
The best thing I have in my body.
Does anyone know? Can anyone see through it? Let alone break it?
No. Nobody. Noone knows. Nobody can tell how i writhed.

I loathed being alone, yet what i have done contradict it. I want to be alone. Yet I don't want to be lonely. Such selfishness. But i don't want to feel pain, mental or physical. I don't want to be pained by anything. Don't give me the "no pain no gain". That's nonsense. To gain by pain is already a sacrifice. I don't like to sacrifice any part of myself.

I don't know.
I felt lost.
I don't understand.
Someone save me.

Curiosity isn't the only thing that kills this cat, Boredom does too!

2008-05-07T08:36:00.000-07:00

As bored cat said "I am dying soon"
Curious cat asked "WHY? Do not die yet! I am still too curious!!"
Bored cat replied "Because I am so dead bored today, most probably tomorrow, the day after tomorrow and the day after the day after tomorrow and on and on and on and on too. That is why."
So, Ms. Curious cat thought for long having heard the response that sparked her curiousity from Mr. Bored cat.
Ms. Curious cat thought that if Mr. Bored cat keep getting bored he will die and Ms Curious cat will lose her interesting subject of interest. Therefore, Ms. Curious cat tries to entertain Mr. Bored cat to be not bored anymore in order to move on to the next curious object. ALAS! Ms. Curious cat's efforts are in vain, in addition not only that Mr. Bored cat felt even more bored, Mr. Bored cat also became even more sleepy.
Few minutes later a dull thud was heard, along with it was Ms. Curious cat dashing towards Mr. Bored cat.
Seconds later, Ms. Curious cat walks away saying "It can't be helped, but he's such a curious object afterall"

To be continued

Dream Diary (Cont'd)

2008-04-30T04:22:00.000-07:00

Anyhow, while pondering with what to write up next, i decided to put up a dream log instead. Surprisingly, you can dream while napping too!! Here is an experience of it or rather a description of the events pertaining to the nap dream!

03/01/08
Polonia International Airport. 10.56AM

Assuming a person would be taking a flight, there will always be a surge of anxiousness swirling, making some butterflies in your tummy. Afterall, "modern transportation does increase your risk of dying too!". Think about it, from the smallest vehichle(motorcycle), you have no protection on your rear!! Imagine if you got bumped from the sides!!! and "Somebody is gona get hurt real bad!! Somebody... I'm not telling! Maybe you know who he is *evil grins*"

But all in all, the fact that modern transportation does increase our effectiveness, performance, but also increases our risk of dying *sinister laughs*. Besides, you still have to deal with the anxiety preceeding the boarding etc. Like how i die =/ anyway, i should start depicting the "Maaf, penerbangan AK 937 telah didelay"

Yes, waiting for the announcer to announce "Passenger flight AK937, please board the aircraft" is quite nerve-breaking especially when you got there 2 full hours early, finished your novel, finished all your stashes of mangas and animes as well as exhausting your laptop's battery could be very annoying. . . Let me stress it very f***ing annoying . Waiting for the announce is such a relief like when you are holding a wee for 3 hours being stucked in a jam and there is no way you can just get off the car and wee anywhere down the road.

but the point now is, im so freaking bored waiting for boarding... Basically, so free to the extent that instead of pondering of what to do next or where to sit next, i am basically discerning to all of you what can be practically seen in this crappy waiting room... lol... did i say room? well rather than a room it's more fit to be called a hall with many chairs inside... Unlike KLIA or Changi Airport, the waiting room here is practically dull, and cramped with barely adequate lighting to support reading and writing. Sitting infront of me was a young mother holding her toddler son and next to her was her around 8 year old daughter, odd enough i start describing her features now! hahahaha! She had a very unique and distinguishable face features =3, thin lips, small nose, double eyelids, this girl has got korean look with her face shape! >.<>

Anyway, my flight which was supposed to be 10.45, has been postponed to 3pm -_-. Goodness, i was writing this post from earlier until 2.10.. that just showed how free i was back then hahaha.

Future reccomendation : Never buy a promo flight unless you're really that free to get your flight delayed... They tend to get pushed around for the scheduled daily flights >.>

P.S: Never buy promo flight, trust me. You don't want to get your flight rescheduled the day before flight and then get delayed again when you're waiting for it.

A little time for Mischief

2008-04-19T11:39:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wonder how one possibly play an innocent prank? Innocent Prank?? Since when pranks are innocent!!!??? Anyhow, this is how evil i was ._.

Vile Villain
Vile Villain
You are one wicked villain. We can see it in the way you play malicious jokes on people and bask in their suffering. You thrive in chaos and calamity, and laugh in the face of virtue. You terrify us with your depravity, but your soul may not be entirely black. Something behind that foul exterior tells us that there may be hope for you yet.

Besides being a Vile Villain or VV, my personal favorite weapon is as follow ._.

Dagger

Your creativity and wit is absolutely perfect for a Dagger! It's lightweight and the easiest to use of all weapons - even a child can use this! Whether its stealthily stabbing someone behind their back, throwing it towards someone's heart or doing quick slashes - the Dagger does it perfectly. Sometimes being a quick thinker can be advantageous when wielding a Dagger.

LoL... someone pull me back into the light plz :p

Dream Log (Cont'd)

2008-04-15T10:19:00.001-07:00

It's been few months since I updated this blog. However, not to worry i shall now update the dream log up and i shall not edit a word out of it. It might serve as a rememberance of my past experiences. Hence, here are few of the short logs

27/12/2007
Another dreamless night. Dream diffusal??
Change of sleep pattern is the cause?
Sleeping condition???

27/01/08
O dream... I wonder what happenned.
Nothing significant happenned as well other than my spending my days behind the screen everyday. My swan seems to have forgotten about me and our promises. Hence, it doesn't seem that i'd grew an attachment to my own home country unfortunately.

01/02/08

Weird enought I'm waking up feeling weird and very puzzled. Even weirder that i automatically write them up now. I wonder what caused that. . .
Hm... On word isn't enough to explain what i really felt when i woke up. It's more towards feeling very edgy and anxious but also a feeling of relief was there as i come to my sense

Anxious + Edgy + Weird + Puzzled + Relief along the way. I wonder what i dreamt of just before i woke up. I wish that humans could made something that will make me remember what i dreamed of.

A childhood flashback

2007-12-26T07:36:00.000-08:00

Fortunately, after few days of dreamless and nightmares, I came upon this dream which sent me back to the time when i was still in my first year of kindergarten. When i was no more than five years old... Do you remember the bubbly feeling and the secure feeling of when you went to your class and mingle around with your little classmates? You might, and you might not. But, within this vivid dream, i obviously do not feel all those feelings which a five years old child in a kindergarten would felt. Anyway, let's begin ~ ~

The dream started when i felt things inside my head swirling heavily... I'm seeing things, images, sceneries, memories and all sorts of things jumping here and there. At one moment, i'm seeing a sunset... The other moment, I'm looking at a river with waterfall on the far end of the river... As night goes on, so does my dream, more vivid and lively images sprung to life, one after another, replacing each other...

"They do have a familiar feel " i thought

The images went on and on until they suddenly stopped, and there i was... at one image from my early childhood memory. I felt the swirling and jumping slowed down and before me, I found myself excitedly exploring the playground i used to play around at.

I remember how i used to play on the sand in the middle of the grounds. How the see-saw and the spinning saucer was always occupied by other older and bigger kids. I'm always either with the pails trying to build a sand-castle like those cartoons i watched everyday, or hiding beneath the trees or inside the big pipes like those you can see in doraemon. As the dream goes on, i can hear a faint cute voice calling my name when i was still a todd...

"kiki! kiki!" as she'd usually called

I saw myself crawling out of the pipes and looked up at the little girl whom i supposed was my classmate in the kindergarten. The teachers have called the break it seems, as the playground is now empty and she came to bring me back to the class i "think". Realizing that this was a dream, i tried to exert my willpower onto the dream only to find that i can only follow what this dream has for me.

I woke up suddenly to find myself being told that i've been fidgeting on the bed quite alot. However, that last look i had on the little girl would possibly not one i can forget, at least for now. Her straight silky hair reaching her shoulder. her white and soft skin and not to forget, her sweet voice.

I wonder who that was... I've long lost contact with some of my old acquintances i was supposed to be classmates until junior high school... Which was dued to that accursed and torterous tuition that forcefully moved me to another class...

Well, that's it for today... I guess i'll get more of these flashbacks if i try not to brood so much about it tonight... and hopefully it's not some jumping here and there kinda dream... it felt tiring >.>

as the previous 2 dreams... i'd probably post it up after i can figure what it links to.... >.<

A strange place I

2007-12-22T21:31:00.001-08:00

Few nights ago i mentioned having a dream. Well my apology that i unfortunately got absorbed into doing some chores and eventually forgot to update this "weird" dream I had.
oka!! without delay!!

I woke up in my dream in the midst of a barren land of which i have never seen before. The barren land streched from one horizon to the other end of the horizon, and i thought "Am i lost?". That was the last thing that pop into my head before in an instance, i saw something moving up there in the sky. Looking up, i saw nothing but the baby blue sky. Feeling myself leaning almost instinctively, i can hear the footsteps of two figures walking towards my direction. Bemused as if it was a familiar figure, i turned to look at them as they were talking in some foreign language. Realizing what i saw, i gasped so loud that the two female figures gave me a puzzled look.

The dream stopped here as i was awoken by something i have no idea of... but i for sure, know that i was sweating when i woke up... perhaps something's been triffling me at the corner of my mind.

Well, fortunately as i woke up i had a paper and pen right next to my bed, soooo i basically record them down... however, at the third dream i got awoken prematurely... causing me to forget recording them down at the spur of the moment. However, i am pretty sure that the dream would resurfaced when i brood enough on them before i sleep.

a stroll of boredom

2007-12-21T01:10:00.000-08:00

Little had i known of the effect of my decission going back here for around 2 weeks would affect me psychologically this much... As boredom crept upon me, i attempted to brush them away by making myself busy and all. Yet, the unfathomable power of boredom overwhelm me. Home, literally does not feel like home anymore. I started feeling that my home, true home is back there in KL, where i am free to express myself as well as enjoying my freedom. Nevertheless, to keep the power of boredom at bay I have started to record my dreams in which somehow developed into an epiloque of a story. Without further ado, i'll start them then... but perhaps i'll do them after dinner as hunger, defies you of all ><...

When things goes out of merits

2007-11-30T01:56:00.000-08:00

6.13pm when i finished typing this thing... ETA to exam 18 hours.

Merits, yes merits. Had quite a number of things passing through my cerebellum when i was studying "Planning Reports & Proposals". Well, as if my mind had another mind of its own things unfold magnificently!!! *poof*

and here goes, lists of things that i'd do that has lost its merits

1) dressing nicely to college. LOL... I recently found out that there is a rule saying no shorts, no khakis?!?!?! no SANDALS!?!?!?!? OI!!! apa ni?? tak boleh pakai sandals??? zzz but i still do it anyway...

2) Girls, yeah girls lost its merits too!! but that's temporary i suppose hahaha, after transferring over to bpsych which lacks eye candies, seems that the urge to do those stuffs have diminished due to lack of stimulation hahaha... okay, hopefully i don't turn into a hermit frog :P

3) WoWing. yes playing world of warcraft has lost its merits!!! GeeGee, investment gone... It's turning more and more mundane WoWing though it was my main activities in the holiday...

damn... enuf with 3, i can go on and make lists of things that has lost its merits ROFL!!

DOH! How i wished i am back to the time where it was my first 2 semesters in ADP... things are getting very very veeeerrryyy vvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrryyyyyyyy dull without you guys... Me miss you all!!! *feeling quite annoyed remembering a sentence "you're just in the gang" -.-

someone save me from this pit hole plzzz

Identifying icky in daily life

2007-09-22T03:26:00.000-07:00

yes, icky... his name is icky. An embodiment of pissed off and grumpy mood of a soon to be 20 years old teenager. A display of reckless behavior, rash, mean, straightforward in telling if it doesn't satisfy him and hammering right at the nail that it made you feel low and squishy(the terminology has yet to be revealed).

Beware in the following behaviors of the subject in order to avoid ickyness:
- Throwing short glances
- Talking to you without looking at you, your face or your eyes
- A significant amount of silence is present
- A significant behavior of very not tardy is sighted
- Taking off glasses while talking to you
- Significantly lower voice while talking to you

Further identification of symptoms leading to the dangerous mood has yet to be done.

Bad? it's already in my gene

2007-09-20T02:45:00.001-07:00

It seems that by playing WoW, i happened to become more straightforward and more expressive towards presenting my views. okay, im showing my skeletons i stored up in my closets 1 by 1 right now. It seems to be a better idea to keep less skellies underneath.

Truth is, I aM bAd... I aM vErY iLl-TeMpErEd... I explodes easily... I am ambitious... I Strive to meet my needs... and what my needs is? i can't tell... but i know what i have to do to get it...

take it like this
it's swim or drown...

i don't swim for it, hasta la vista uni

GGness

2007-09-11T08:21:00.000-07:00

One is suffering... but one is still awake, and should prompt one's self towards daily activities... The suffering is happening inside out... Ulcer + Headache + Aching body....

pfffttt... *off to bed

New Term is starting!!

2007-08-19T04:26:00.000-07:00

Huzzah!! term's starting tomorrow though it was only for electives >.> but i'm glad enough that i'm back to my never-ending-full-of-assignment life. the term started officially in a week's time though <.<, but hey!! at least i get to get back to life XD

hahaha this is what they also conclude

when you're a noob you have life
so you train to be a pro >> leading you to be lifeless
hence pro = no life
when u realize you have no life and you try to get back to life you degenerate into a noob
but hey!! it's not so bad!! at least you get to be a pro once XD

I'm happy to get back to life lol

Farewell

2007-07-24T07:48:00.000-07:00

Words can't seem to be enough to express how i am feeling now. Weather doesn't seem to cheer me up but instead flows along with how i felt. Almost two full years will pass soon. Everyone will left in pretty much half a year's time. I have only things to regret, and sentences to say...

Will miss you both very much pretty soon.

Hopes both of you, Melvin and Michele will enjoy your new life in SA,
May you both always be blessed and lady luck will resides in both of you,
Farewell! I hope that this gloomy holiday, and one year will pass away like a breeze.

Holidays -.-... aren't always good -___-

2007-07-17T19:23:00.000-07:00

Depressing holiday... That's two words to describe the holiday im having atm... I stopped playing dota... I stopped playing WoW... I stopped playing games because im so bored of them... and now i hate doing what i liked... -___-... what's wrong with this long holiday -.-

Depressing holiday includes things not going smoothly, insomnia, and anxiety.

ok enuf randoming...

I'm practically worried about my friends' transfer which have not been confirmed until now... Visa problems.... konon bureacracy is meant to help... it's actually meant to give you more trouble... two have gone last month... now another three is goin off soon... gee, im goin to miss alot of people soon...

I missed my high school life at some point... but when i thought of how some people treated me... i'd prefer this depressing holiday... well... lady luck will not always be on your side...

*rant rant rant...

*fiuh... i better get ready for tonight...

*dum-dee-dum

Being what?

2007-07-03T01:30:00.001-07:00

Ironic as it can be, i would agree with him that WoW... is so much of an illustration of the real world... Losers, lifeless assholes, unkempted kids and undergrowned adults without manners. . . Jeeez what's wrong with games nowadays... When it's DoTA at Blueserver, i could still understand that there'll be alot of kids with their so called typical "ah beng ah lian" attitudes... but hey!! World of Warcraft... It's 60 bucks a month!!! I'm not expecting kids.... oh well there are still some kids but undergrowed adults with kiddish attitudes? s-w-t -.-... i think i need to find a better game which has less of these species... As today i've reached my limits of going in groups with pugs (Public Groupmates a.k.a 'cincai' picked people).... LoL.... next time i'll be goin with my regulars :p

OOT:
Hence... i would now agree that "Being single is good but being together is maybe better"...cuz i dont think i could bear with my freedom restricted... nor do i have the commitement and ability for that... har har har... bottom-line... stay single LOL... and maybe regret about it later XD...

Belated Bday Shoutouts:
Happy Birthday Jeremy thang!!
Happy Birthday Kakak (Airene)
Happy Birthday Anas!!! havent seen u for a long long time =/ miss ya sis

hmm who else have i missed.... gaahh! can recall all of them.... sorry if i missed out any :p...

ok back to study

Mood: Relatively Annoyed
Last thing did: Holding notes
What i want now? the damn 2k points -.-.... im so close T.T

Gaaaahhh!! Insomnia i hate you!!!

2007-07-01T20:45:00.000-07:00

Study... not... study... not... I'm holding this few pieces of notes to study and instead im procrastinating. Im really getting my sleeping time really screwed up.. bleh... I guess it's the euphoria during the week. Been feeling very very very very very excited about few new things... Teamworks International rejected my application... oh well too bad life moves on... i'll get the internship from uni ones instead then... and definitely a "part-time" job!!!

2 months holiday coming... jeez i cant wait to chill out...

N: eh? baru first post starts complaining alrd?? jeeeez you should've bee nicer icky... .
I: doh? like i care? lOl, nicky, u go back to study and i think about what to play around with next...

doink.... so much of an argument...

Was attempting to watch transformers twice since friday.... everyone woke up so late so we decided to go for it on saturday... as we reach there... swt. . . . the queues are soooooo freaking long... T_T... postpone to sunday then... swt... the mood to movies floats away alrd... hence... continue dozing~

summing up...
Mood: Excited, Happy, Good
Last thing i did? Made a swich for myself
what i want now? holiday LOL oh wait.... Kick mr.insomnia away first so i can sleep well